Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
