it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
