I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
