Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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