I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
