this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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