Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
