last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
