Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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