The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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