so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
