thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
