she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
a search helicopter?!
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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