Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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