so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
