hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
