really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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