you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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