my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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