just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
