At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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