tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
