he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
