I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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