You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
