I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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