You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
