Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I need to stop coming to work sober
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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