You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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