You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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