i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
