You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
