The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
ttyl tear gas
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
