I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
