The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
