wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
