is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
