It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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