All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
two words: eviction party
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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