I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
