does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
