yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
