His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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