THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
