if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
