Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
its not stalking. its research.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
