you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
