I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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