I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
