apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
