You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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