the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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