why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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