That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Someone shit on the floor
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
