Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
