I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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