you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
