I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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