my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
