No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
